Big Earl could go on and on

What could Big Earl say about his ex-wives? That the best part of any of them was the ex? That the only reason any of them stayed married to him was because he made more money than they ought to pay the President? That they all deserved better than him? That each and every one of them was pregnant when he asked them for their hands? All of that is, of course, entirely true. But Earl wouldn’t say it, no, no, no, he wouldn’t. You can if you want to. Who was he to stop you?

So, what could he say about that fine upstanding branch of American femininity known as Big Earl’s exes? In one case, he should have known better. The little darlin’ in question was only fourteen. In his defense, they met while he was working the door at a bar in Ft. Worth, Texas. He carded two of the girls with her because they looked too young for said high class, low life titty bar. If they had been too young, the bar had some loaner fake identification, so Earl still would have let them in. But he did not card the girl he ended up marrying some months later. Earl figured anybody with hooties that big was old enough in his book. She was out standing. Those were outstanding. She ended up coming back and talking to him all through the evening. He got her a card good for free drinks. And eventually, Earl ended up with future ex-wife number one. The first of many exes that ended up being the practice spouse for the next one.

Several things were similar if not downright identical in the case of each of his wives. Despite the fact that Big Earl always thought he liked tall blondes, he had married four redheads. None of them were over five foot four or so. All of them ended up learning new skills after marrying him. One learned how to swim after she found out there were troop ships in the harbor. One learned not to admit to a lie when he threw all her stuff in her parent’s yard after she told him she wasn’t pregnant. One learned to cook correctly. One learned the fine art of money management and how to hide vast sums of cash from her loving hubby. And all of them learned that the one thing you know about a man who cheats on his current wife or girlfriend with you is this: “He is willing to cheat on his significant other. He will eventually cheat on you.” Kind of makes you wonder what they were thinking when they married him, right?

That is not to say the ladies in question were stupid. Far from it. You see the one area where Big Earl was absolutely correct in what he liked was intelligent women. Every wife he had ever married has been smart. Not just a little smarter than average, but really intelligent. They just had a blind spot where their taste in men was. Earl ended up burning an offering to whatever God gave them that blind spot. Smart women are not only more fun to talk with; they are surprisingly inventive when it comes to doing the horizontal Rumba. God bless America

Because, despite the fact that he was more than ready to dump them in the end, every one of those ladies was fun to be around at the start. And he always made the cute little dumplings happy. Sometimes when he was coming towards them and eventually when he was walking away. Running in some cases. Running and screaming in one case.

A buddy of Earl’s once predicted his death with some degree of certainty. The buddy said, “Big Earl is going to be running stark naked across a parking lot, with a nude teenaged girl, yelling back over his shoulder, ‘I love you, bitch’. As whatever wife he has at that time shoots at him from the motel balcony. The cops will just list it as a suicide.” The suicide part comes from Big Earl teaching all his wives how to shoot. You see, you can’t hear them cock an ice pick. Earl always wanted that last second warning.

His wives had always been a bit unpredictable. He came home after one trip where he had borrowed his wife’s car to find she had traded his car in on a sports car for her. Without bothering to mention it to him. Earl ended up driving a minivan he hated for two years. Her sports car was of no use to him in his work. This is the same wife that forged his name on umpteen thirty credit cards applications, life insurance policies, the above mentioned car financing and who knows what else. As Earl admitted they were a bit unpredictable. Other, less generous sorts have used the term psycho. To each his own.

Now, some of his wives turned out to be surprisingly narrow minded considering they married him. After all, every one of them knew Big Earl was a worthless, womanizing, low life son-of-a-bitch before the wedding. Why it was a surprise to two of them that he slept with their sisters was beyond him. In one case Earl had slept with one of his wife’s sisters before he started dating the one he married. The other one or two came later but that is another story. They all knew Earl had slept with one of his own brother’s significant others before they married. And if Big Earl would willingly fuck around on his own family, what made theirs off limits? Ray Charles could have seen that coming. So, like Earl said, he was surprised at how narrow minded the wives ended up being.

You would think that having a husband that was such a disgrace would be something they might keep to themselves. Au contraire, mon frer. The wives seemed to delight in letting everyone within earshot know what Big Earl was like. Each of the little ladies told all their friends about everything they knew about his outside women. Sometimes they were telling the stories to one of the participants without knowing it. On one trip to Mississippi to visit Bubba and family, Earl’s future ex-wife at the time detailed every outside woman she knew about to his Bubba’s wife. After three days she had hit the highlights of all the women she was sure of. Earl had to say that it was easier for his Bubba’s wife to believe her because Earl had brought three girlfriends down with him on two previous visits. Including bringing down his FE-W (future ex-wife) sister for a visit a few months before he actually took the wife down. So Earl’s credibility had a certain tarnish on it prior to his FE-W ever said a word.

One ex-wife was so pissed off that when she left she took all Earl’s clothes, all his records, all the furniture, all the kitchen utensils, even the curtains. She vacuumed the carpet. That woman was so ticked off she even took the dust. She burned his clothes. She destroyed his record collection. And then when they got divorced she told her side and got one third of his net salary until their son turned eighteen. She was really ticked off.

Earl could have gone on and on, but he found he was making himself sound bad. He quit.