5 cups oatmeal
3 cups all purpose flour
1 cup unsweetened cocoa
1 tsp salt
2 tsp baking powder
2 tsp baking soda
2 cups butter, room temperature
4 eggs
2 tsp vanilla
2 cups granulated sugar
2 cups packed brown sugar
24 oz chocolate chips
8 oz bittersweet chocolate grated
3 cups chopped nuts
Topping:
120 perfect Hershey’s Kisses, more or less as needed
8 oz dark chocolate grated
8 oz white chocolate grated
Measure oatmeal and blend in a blender to a fine powder. Mix the oatmeal powder, flour, cocoa, salt, baking powder and baking soda together in a large bowl. Cream the butter and both sugars with mixer on medium. After the butter and sugars are creamy, add eggs and vanilla, and mix together. Add the dry ingredients. Add chocolate chips, bittersweet chocolate and nuts. Roll into balls and place two inches apart on a cookie sheet or drop by teaspoonful onto the cookie sheet.
Bake at 375 degrees for 8 to 10 minutes, or 10 to 12 minutes for a crispier cookie. Let the cookies cool slightly on the pan. Before the cookies are completely cool, press a thumbprint in the center of each cookie. Finish cooling on a rack.
For the topping:
After the cookies are cool, place a Hershey’s kiss in the thumbprint on each cookie. Melt both the dark chocolate and the white chocolate separately over double boilers. Drizzle the melted chocolates in an X pattern over the cookies and Hershey’s Kisses to hold the kisses in place.
Makes about 10 dozen cookies.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Big Earl could go on and on
What could Big Earl say about his ex-wives? That the best part of any of them was the ex? That the only reason any of them stayed married to him was because he made more money than they ought to pay the President? That they all deserved better than him? That each and every one of them was pregnant when he asked them for their hands? All of that is, of course, entirely true. But Earl wouldn’t say it, no, no, no, he wouldn’t. You can if you want to. Who was he to stop you?
So, what could he say about that fine upstanding branch of American femininity known as Big Earl’s exes? In one case, he should have known better. The little darlin’ in question was only fourteen. In his defense, they met while he was working the door at a bar in Ft. Worth, Texas. He carded two of the girls with her because they looked too young for said high class, low life titty bar. If they had been too young, the bar had some loaner fake identification, so Earl still would have let them in. But he did not card the girl he ended up marrying some months later. Earl figured anybody with hooties that big was old enough in his book. She was out standing. Those were outstanding. She ended up coming back and talking to him all through the evening. He got her a card good for free drinks. And eventually, Earl ended up with future ex-wife number one. The first of many exes that ended up being the practice spouse for the next one.
Several things were similar if not downright identical in the case of each of his wives. Despite the fact that Big Earl always thought he liked tall blondes, he had married four redheads. None of them were over five foot four or so. All of them ended up learning new skills after marrying him. One learned how to swim after she found out there were troop ships in the harbor. One learned not to admit to a lie when he threw all her stuff in her parent’s yard after she told him she wasn’t pregnant. One learned to cook correctly. One learned the fine art of money management and how to hide vast sums of cash from her loving hubby. And all of them learned that the one thing you know about a man who cheats on his current wife or girlfriend with you is this: “He is willing to cheat on his significant other. He will eventually cheat on you.” Kind of makes you wonder what they were thinking when they married him, right?
That is not to say the ladies in question were stupid. Far from it. You see the one area where Big Earl was absolutely correct in what he liked was intelligent women. Every wife he had ever married has been smart. Not just a little smarter than average, but really intelligent. They just had a blind spot where their taste in men was. Earl ended up burning an offering to whatever God gave them that blind spot. Smart women are not only more fun to talk with; they are surprisingly inventive when it comes to doing the horizontal Rumba. God bless America
Because, despite the fact that he was more than ready to dump them in the end, every one of those ladies was fun to be around at the start. And he always made the cute little dumplings happy. Sometimes when he was coming towards them and eventually when he was walking away. Running in some cases. Running and screaming in one case.
A buddy of Earl’s once predicted his death with some degree of certainty. The buddy said, “Big Earl is going to be running stark naked across a parking lot, with a nude teenaged girl, yelling back over his shoulder, ‘I love you, bitch’. As whatever wife he has at that time shoots at him from the motel balcony. The cops will just list it as a suicide.” The suicide part comes from Big Earl teaching all his wives how to shoot. You see, you can’t hear them cock an ice pick. Earl always wanted that last second warning.
His wives had always been a bit unpredictable. He came home after one trip where he had borrowed his wife’s car to find she had traded his car in on a sports car for her. Without bothering to mention it to him. Earl ended up driving a minivan he hated for two years. Her sports car was of no use to him in his work. This is the same wife that forged his name on umpteen thirty credit cards applications, life insurance policies, the above mentioned car financing and who knows what else. As Earl admitted they were a bit unpredictable. Other, less generous sorts have used the term psycho. To each his own.
Now, some of his wives turned out to be surprisingly narrow minded considering they married him. After all, every one of them knew Big Earl was a worthless, womanizing, low life son-of-a-bitch before the wedding. Why it was a surprise to two of them that he slept with their sisters was beyond him. In one case Earl had slept with one of his wife’s sisters before he started dating the one he married. The other one or two came later but that is another story. They all knew Earl had slept with one of his own brother’s significant others before they married. And if Big Earl would willingly fuck around on his own family, what made theirs off limits? Ray Charles could have seen that coming. So, like Earl said, he was surprised at how narrow minded the wives ended up being.
You would think that having a husband that was such a disgrace would be something they might keep to themselves. Au contraire, mon frer. The wives seemed to delight in letting everyone within earshot know what Big Earl was like. Each of the little ladies told all their friends about everything they knew about his outside women. Sometimes they were telling the stories to one of the participants without knowing it. On one trip to Mississippi to visit Bubba and family, Earl’s future ex-wife at the time detailed every outside woman she knew about to his Bubba’s wife. After three days she had hit the highlights of all the women she was sure of. Earl had to say that it was easier for his Bubba’s wife to believe her because Earl had brought three girlfriends down with him on two previous visits. Including bringing down his FE-W (future ex-wife) sister for a visit a few months before he actually took the wife down. So Earl’s credibility had a certain tarnish on it prior to his FE-W ever said a word.
One ex-wife was so pissed off that when she left she took all Earl’s clothes, all his records, all the furniture, all the kitchen utensils, even the curtains. She vacuumed the carpet. That woman was so ticked off she even took the dust. She burned his clothes. She destroyed his record collection. And then when they got divorced she told her side and got one third of his net salary until their son turned eighteen. She was really ticked off.
Earl could have gone on and on, but he found he was making himself sound bad. He quit.
So, what could he say about that fine upstanding branch of American femininity known as Big Earl’s exes? In one case, he should have known better. The little darlin’ in question was only fourteen. In his defense, they met while he was working the door at a bar in Ft. Worth, Texas. He carded two of the girls with her because they looked too young for said high class, low life titty bar. If they had been too young, the bar had some loaner fake identification, so Earl still would have let them in. But he did not card the girl he ended up marrying some months later. Earl figured anybody with hooties that big was old enough in his book. She was out standing. Those were outstanding. She ended up coming back and talking to him all through the evening. He got her a card good for free drinks. And eventually, Earl ended up with future ex-wife number one. The first of many exes that ended up being the practice spouse for the next one.
Several things were similar if not downright identical in the case of each of his wives. Despite the fact that Big Earl always thought he liked tall blondes, he had married four redheads. None of them were over five foot four or so. All of them ended up learning new skills after marrying him. One learned how to swim after she found out there were troop ships in the harbor. One learned not to admit to a lie when he threw all her stuff in her parent’s yard after she told him she wasn’t pregnant. One learned to cook correctly. One learned the fine art of money management and how to hide vast sums of cash from her loving hubby. And all of them learned that the one thing you know about a man who cheats on his current wife or girlfriend with you is this: “He is willing to cheat on his significant other. He will eventually cheat on you.” Kind of makes you wonder what they were thinking when they married him, right?
That is not to say the ladies in question were stupid. Far from it. You see the one area where Big Earl was absolutely correct in what he liked was intelligent women. Every wife he had ever married has been smart. Not just a little smarter than average, but really intelligent. They just had a blind spot where their taste in men was. Earl ended up burning an offering to whatever God gave them that blind spot. Smart women are not only more fun to talk with; they are surprisingly inventive when it comes to doing the horizontal Rumba. God bless America
Because, despite the fact that he was more than ready to dump them in the end, every one of those ladies was fun to be around at the start. And he always made the cute little dumplings happy. Sometimes when he was coming towards them and eventually when he was walking away. Running in some cases. Running and screaming in one case.
A buddy of Earl’s once predicted his death with some degree of certainty. The buddy said, “Big Earl is going to be running stark naked across a parking lot, with a nude teenaged girl, yelling back over his shoulder, ‘I love you, bitch’. As whatever wife he has at that time shoots at him from the motel balcony. The cops will just list it as a suicide.” The suicide part comes from Big Earl teaching all his wives how to shoot. You see, you can’t hear them cock an ice pick. Earl always wanted that last second warning.
His wives had always been a bit unpredictable. He came home after one trip where he had borrowed his wife’s car to find she had traded his car in on a sports car for her. Without bothering to mention it to him. Earl ended up driving a minivan he hated for two years. Her sports car was of no use to him in his work. This is the same wife that forged his name on umpteen thirty credit cards applications, life insurance policies, the above mentioned car financing and who knows what else. As Earl admitted they were a bit unpredictable. Other, less generous sorts have used the term psycho. To each his own.
Now, some of his wives turned out to be surprisingly narrow minded considering they married him. After all, every one of them knew Big Earl was a worthless, womanizing, low life son-of-a-bitch before the wedding. Why it was a surprise to two of them that he slept with their sisters was beyond him. In one case Earl had slept with one of his wife’s sisters before he started dating the one he married. The other one or two came later but that is another story. They all knew Earl had slept with one of his own brother’s significant others before they married. And if Big Earl would willingly fuck around on his own family, what made theirs off limits? Ray Charles could have seen that coming. So, like Earl said, he was surprised at how narrow minded the wives ended up being.
You would think that having a husband that was such a disgrace would be something they might keep to themselves. Au contraire, mon frer. The wives seemed to delight in letting everyone within earshot know what Big Earl was like. Each of the little ladies told all their friends about everything they knew about his outside women. Sometimes they were telling the stories to one of the participants without knowing it. On one trip to Mississippi to visit Bubba and family, Earl’s future ex-wife at the time detailed every outside woman she knew about to his Bubba’s wife. After three days she had hit the highlights of all the women she was sure of. Earl had to say that it was easier for his Bubba’s wife to believe her because Earl had brought three girlfriends down with him on two previous visits. Including bringing down his FE-W (future ex-wife) sister for a visit a few months before he actually took the wife down. So Earl’s credibility had a certain tarnish on it prior to his FE-W ever said a word.
One ex-wife was so pissed off that when she left she took all Earl’s clothes, all his records, all the furniture, all the kitchen utensils, even the curtains. She vacuumed the carpet. That woman was so ticked off she even took the dust. She burned his clothes. She destroyed his record collection. And then when they got divorced she told her side and got one third of his net salary until their son turned eighteen. She was really ticked off.
Earl could have gone on and on, but he found he was making himself sound bad. He quit.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Instructions to the child Big Earl once was.
1 You are going to take quite a few for the team. You are the oldest. As such you are going to be the practice child. Mom and Pop, particularly Pop, are going to try to make you into the perfect child. That ain’t gonna happen. The good news for you is that you will come out of this incredibly tough. You will have a high pain tolerance. It will also take a shit load to rattle you. Remember that if something doesn’t kill you, it will make you stronger.
2 You will not believe this one. I am not sure of this even now. But I am going to tell you because Mom told me in the last year before she died. Pop loved you, possibly more than he did your brothers. I’m not sure if I believe it. However I am sure Mom believed it.
3 Just because Mom does not save you too when she runs out of the house with the others does not mean she doesn’t love you. When she screams at Pop, “You can have him, but you will never get these boys”, she is just saving the ones that she can. Mom knew that if she tried to take you she would end up getting all her boys hurt. Always treat Mom with love and respect, because not saving you will eat at her for years. Sometimes, my boy, nothing you can do can save somebody you love from pain.
4 When Pop tells you he is going to teach you to catch, it is going to hurt. He will have you stand in front of a fence and throw fast balls at you until you can catch them. You can stop some of the pain by putting the glove he puts on you in front of you. You are going to get knocked out and then stood back up to start again. Try hard boy. The faster you catch a few balls the faster it will be over. Pop will only throw balls at you for a few days. When he finally tells you that he wishes he had a better boy, it will all be over. You will never learn how to catch.
5 Not everything Pop does turns out quite like he envisions. His teaching method for reading is amazingly harsh. He will have you read out loud. If you miss a word he will beat you. He won’t tell you how to say the word you missed, but when you get it right you won’t get hit. Now I know that by the time you start reading well you will be really used to being beaten. But what he is trying to do is make sure you don’t end up as just another dumb shit Indian in Oklahoma. What he will do is end up with a son that has a lifelong love of reading. Read everything. Books will let you escape from the world you are trapped in.
6 I don’t know how to warn you about the next little jewel in your childhood. I don’t even know if I should warn you. But I have to give you a chance. One day, on your way home from first or second grade, a bunch of older Indian kids will come up to you when you stop your bike. Run. Ride like your Father is chasing you with his favorite 2x4 paddle. Do your best to get away. It probably won’t work, but please try. If you stop or get caught things are going to get very bad, very quickly. I don’t know if these boys are after you or if you are just the lucky sumbitch they find. But they are going to take you into the woods between our house and Stebbin’s Field. Once they get you out there, they will beat and kick you until you are unconscious. They will wake you up by pissing in your face. When you wake up, these sterling examples of our Native American culture will bury you neck deep in a hole and proceed to ride you bike by your head, hitting you in the face as they go by. This is not nearly as much fun as it sounds here. After they get tired of this fun they will take your bike and leave you. Buried up to your neck in the woods. I have no clue how long it take the people looking for you to find you. I do know it will be well after dark. And I know that they will use dogs to find you. I also know that the dogs will get to you well ahead of the searchers. They will lick you and start barking and baying. This will scare you so much that it will take years before Mom and Pop will be able to get the rest of the boys a dog. All I can tell you is if you don’t get away at the start, the dogs are there to help. I can tell you that a whole lot of your life is going to be tied to this one day. May the various Gods have mercy on the souls of those fucking assholes.
7 Not everything I have to tell you is bad. When you are eleven, a babysitter watching your brothers is going to tell you she has to make sure you are clean in the shower. Trust me on this one, slick. You are going to enjoy this shower. And she has three or four friends that are going to become very good friends of yours. Life, as they say, is about to become very good for you.
8 You are going to fall in and out of love so many times in your teen years, you will lose count. One word of advice. When you decide to sell a girlfriend in high school, stand her on a table in the lunch room. The guy you sell her to ends up marrying her and, as of your twenty fifth class reunion, they stay together. This may be the only time in your life when you do something outrageous and it turns out wonderful for everyone concerned. I wish I could tell you that you will be a good husband. You won’t be. You will make up for it by being a fairly good father. Of the one wife, one child kind.
9 Keep trying to do the right thing. This is not going to be your strong suit. But try anyway. You are going to develop a very strong sadistic streak. As much as I hate to be the one to tell you, you will really enjoy causing pain. Mom will watch you break both a guys arms one night in a bar. It will end up making you the only child of hers she fears. I know folks would like me to tell you seek other outlets for these urges, but I will not. Being the baddest sumbitch in a fight will save your life on at least two occasions before you reach twenty years old. Go to the number one titty bar in Ft Worth and ask to become a bouncer. When they tell you to beat up the biggest guy you ever saw, don’t let him know what is coming. Sucker punch him and kick the crap out of him while he is down. He will beat the piss out of you later, but you will get the job. And taking a beating is not as hard as it seems. Over the next five or six years you will get laid by well over three to four hundred different girls. Waitresses and strippers because they are told to jump any bouncer with a hard on and the girls that go to the bar because that gets them free drinks and admission.
10 One more thing. When you are almost seventeen, Pop will ask you about all the implements of destruction you put on your bed before you go to the bar one night. Then he will kick you out. Stay in school. And don’t expect anything when you graduate from high school. What you do get, you won’t much like. Guys who want to have an in at the bar, girls who want to get introduced to musicians and friends will give you places to live and the bar will feed you twice a day. Not to mention the free booze, a pretty good Doctor who will sew you up when it is necessary and hot and cold running strippers. Life, as you know it, will be incredible for several years. Also knowing every really good dope dealer in North Texas will end up with you getting all your stash for free.
Your life will be filled with great highs and heartbreaking lows. Go for it.
2 You will not believe this one. I am not sure of this even now. But I am going to tell you because Mom told me in the last year before she died. Pop loved you, possibly more than he did your brothers. I’m not sure if I believe it. However I am sure Mom believed it.
3 Just because Mom does not save you too when she runs out of the house with the others does not mean she doesn’t love you. When she screams at Pop, “You can have him, but you will never get these boys”, she is just saving the ones that she can. Mom knew that if she tried to take you she would end up getting all her boys hurt. Always treat Mom with love and respect, because not saving you will eat at her for years. Sometimes, my boy, nothing you can do can save somebody you love from pain.
4 When Pop tells you he is going to teach you to catch, it is going to hurt. He will have you stand in front of a fence and throw fast balls at you until you can catch them. You can stop some of the pain by putting the glove he puts on you in front of you. You are going to get knocked out and then stood back up to start again. Try hard boy. The faster you catch a few balls the faster it will be over. Pop will only throw balls at you for a few days. When he finally tells you that he wishes he had a better boy, it will all be over. You will never learn how to catch.
5 Not everything Pop does turns out quite like he envisions. His teaching method for reading is amazingly harsh. He will have you read out loud. If you miss a word he will beat you. He won’t tell you how to say the word you missed, but when you get it right you won’t get hit. Now I know that by the time you start reading well you will be really used to being beaten. But what he is trying to do is make sure you don’t end up as just another dumb shit Indian in Oklahoma. What he will do is end up with a son that has a lifelong love of reading. Read everything. Books will let you escape from the world you are trapped in.
6 I don’t know how to warn you about the next little jewel in your childhood. I don’t even know if I should warn you. But I have to give you a chance. One day, on your way home from first or second grade, a bunch of older Indian kids will come up to you when you stop your bike. Run. Ride like your Father is chasing you with his favorite 2x4 paddle. Do your best to get away. It probably won’t work, but please try. If you stop or get caught things are going to get very bad, very quickly. I don’t know if these boys are after you or if you are just the lucky sumbitch they find. But they are going to take you into the woods between our house and Stebbin’s Field. Once they get you out there, they will beat and kick you until you are unconscious. They will wake you up by pissing in your face. When you wake up, these sterling examples of our Native American culture will bury you neck deep in a hole and proceed to ride you bike by your head, hitting you in the face as they go by. This is not nearly as much fun as it sounds here. After they get tired of this fun they will take your bike and leave you. Buried up to your neck in the woods. I have no clue how long it take the people looking for you to find you. I do know it will be well after dark. And I know that they will use dogs to find you. I also know that the dogs will get to you well ahead of the searchers. They will lick you and start barking and baying. This will scare you so much that it will take years before Mom and Pop will be able to get the rest of the boys a dog. All I can tell you is if you don’t get away at the start, the dogs are there to help. I can tell you that a whole lot of your life is going to be tied to this one day. May the various Gods have mercy on the souls of those fucking assholes.
7 Not everything I have to tell you is bad. When you are eleven, a babysitter watching your brothers is going to tell you she has to make sure you are clean in the shower. Trust me on this one, slick. You are going to enjoy this shower. And she has three or four friends that are going to become very good friends of yours. Life, as they say, is about to become very good for you.
8 You are going to fall in and out of love so many times in your teen years, you will lose count. One word of advice. When you decide to sell a girlfriend in high school, stand her on a table in the lunch room. The guy you sell her to ends up marrying her and, as of your twenty fifth class reunion, they stay together. This may be the only time in your life when you do something outrageous and it turns out wonderful for everyone concerned. I wish I could tell you that you will be a good husband. You won’t be. You will make up for it by being a fairly good father. Of the one wife, one child kind.
9 Keep trying to do the right thing. This is not going to be your strong suit. But try anyway. You are going to develop a very strong sadistic streak. As much as I hate to be the one to tell you, you will really enjoy causing pain. Mom will watch you break both a guys arms one night in a bar. It will end up making you the only child of hers she fears. I know folks would like me to tell you seek other outlets for these urges, but I will not. Being the baddest sumbitch in a fight will save your life on at least two occasions before you reach twenty years old. Go to the number one titty bar in Ft Worth and ask to become a bouncer. When they tell you to beat up the biggest guy you ever saw, don’t let him know what is coming. Sucker punch him and kick the crap out of him while he is down. He will beat the piss out of you later, but you will get the job. And taking a beating is not as hard as it seems. Over the next five or six years you will get laid by well over three to four hundred different girls. Waitresses and strippers because they are told to jump any bouncer with a hard on and the girls that go to the bar because that gets them free drinks and admission.
10 One more thing. When you are almost seventeen, Pop will ask you about all the implements of destruction you put on your bed before you go to the bar one night. Then he will kick you out. Stay in school. And don’t expect anything when you graduate from high school. What you do get, you won’t much like. Guys who want to have an in at the bar, girls who want to get introduced to musicians and friends will give you places to live and the bar will feed you twice a day. Not to mention the free booze, a pretty good Doctor who will sew you up when it is necessary and hot and cold running strippers. Life, as you know it, will be incredible for several years. Also knowing every really good dope dealer in North Texas will end up with you getting all your stash for free.
Your life will be filled with great highs and heartbreaking lows. Go for it.
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