An unwelcome surprise

(How a Junior Senator entered “Two Bubbas” Hall of Fame)

Most of you have had an unwelcome surprise or two in your life. I know I have had more than a few. Usually, said surprise results from expecting one thing and getting a totally different result. Sometimes the surprise is bigger than you had any reason to expect. In this case, a Junior Senator from the Gulf Coast’s surprise started out with waking up.

Waking up is not a surprise. The Junior Senator, hell let’s just call him JS, did it almost every day. This particular day was not going to be good. JS knew it before he opened his eyes. His head hurt and his eyes felt gummy. The inside of his mouth felt like the entire Russian Army had marched through it and took a dump while they went. JS’s nose was stopped up, but not enough to keep out a very ripe aroma. Something that smelled like a distillery located next to a cheap whorehouse. That and JS knew he wasn’t alone. Not unless he had learned the art of snoring in two part harmony before he woke up. JS lay there, head pounding, waiting to see if he was going to die. After a few minutes, he decided he wasn’t that lucky.

JS opened one eye just enough to see that he was not at his place. So far, so good. He decided to risk the other eye. It didn’t help. From what he could see, he had to be in a motel room. It was time to make the ultimate sacrifice. Up he sat. This was not the best idea he had ever had. His stomach reacted to the change in position by trying very hard to teach him the fine art of projectile vomiting. This was not JS’s first trip to the rodeo and he got everything under control. All it cost him was what felt like an aneurism. Sometime during this shindig JS realized he was naked.

Let’s tally up so far. JS had a hangover. JS was in a motel room he didn’t recognize. JS is naked. And he’s not alone. Oh yeah, he’s not alone. Time to investigate.

There were hints on the floor right in front of him. Clothes were everywhere. JS saw men’s shoes. Unfortunately they were not his shoes. This did not give him a warm snuggly. Fortunately he also saw a bra and two pairs of women’s panties in the piles of clothes. This, like it or not, was the time to look at the rest of the room.

JS turned around, and sure enough, he woke up in the same bed with two naked girls and a naked guy. The two girls were spooned up in the middle and the guy was face down with his head hanging over the far side of the bed. Considering how the room smelled JS had to assume it had been a long hard night for everyone involved. Sometimes words are so inadequate for the way things are.

JS headed in and drained the lizard. From lipstick on the love reptile he figured he must have had a pretty good time. Looking in the mirror he realized that he had some hickeys and bruises he didn’t recognize. After washing up, JS knew that he was going to live. He was not so sure about being re-elected. It was time to find out where he was and whether or not anyone knew him. JS found his clothes out of the mess in the floor. As he got dressed he seriously considered waking everyone up to find out what happened. The girl closest to him was a redhead. Since she was naked he knew she was a redhead from birth. The blond spooning up to her was incredibly cute even in sleep. The guy he could not tell much about. Other than the fact that, unless he had fallen asleep on an anaconda, he was waking up a happy camper. The Junior Senator passed on waking them up.

JS stepped out of the room onto one really hot parking lot. And almost ran right into Big Earl’s stubby little Cadillac convertible. Big Earl had the back seat of his 1959 Cadillac convertible cut out and grafted onto another 1959 Cadillac convertible. Big Earl gave that one to Bubba so he could carry most of his grandkids in one car. A car that was slightly longer than Earl’s marriage to his last ex-wife. After checking his pockets, JS found the car keys and a wad of cash. It was time to find a convenience store, get a drink and find out where the hell he was. He arbitrarily took a left out of the parking lot. Several turns later he was hopelessly lost. He finally found a gas station/convenience store.

JS walked into the store and headed straight for the cold drink section. He got a bottle of cold beer and headed back to pay. There were a stack of newspapers on the counter by the cash register. The most surprising thing was they were for McAlester, Oklahoma. The second most surprising thing was that they were Wednesday papers. Why, you might ask yourself, was JS surprised at McAlester papers? And why indeed was he surprised at the Wednesday paper? This all leads up to the unpleasant portion of our little surprise.

He had gone to Big Earl’s birthday party at “Two Bubbas’ Bar, Grill and Speed Shop”. That is on the beautiful Gulf Coast. “Two Bubbas” was close to eight hundred miles south and east of McAlester. And he had gone to the party early on a Friday night. When he got up that morning it was Wednesday. Somewhere along the line the Junior Senator had lost all, or part, of not one, not two, but five days. He tried to find the motel again to get some answers. He had no luck. He hadn’t looked at the sign when he left. He didn’t know the name of the place. He couldn’t even tell you what color it was. JS might have passed it three or four times trying to remember which one it was. There are times when you just aren’t going to get the information you want, no matter how hard you try.

He knew one person in McAlester. Big Earl’s Great-Grandfather, Poppa Park., worked as the night manager for a combination hotel and whorehouse known as the Co-Mar Hotel. JS headed to Poppa Park’s place. Poppa Park told him he had come by there a few nights before and tried to get a room. The Co-Mar Hotel was full but Poppa Park had told the Junior Senator to go down to the area by the new interstate and check out their availability. Since JS would have noticed the interstate, he guessed that another solution had popped up. Quite possibly one involving a couple of Poppa Park’s working girls.

JS remembered getting to the party on Friday night. He had brought a couple of gallons of home brew a constituent named Cooter had made. Cooter had asked JS to give it to Big Earl for his birthday. JS don’t remember anyone that looked like the redhead or blond at the party. He also didn’t remember leaving the party. He definitely didn’t remember a road trip to McAlester. Or picking up three people. He didn’t remember anything much about the days between Friday and his head pounding wake call up on Wednesday. What JS did remember was a bit like running porno clips through a shredder and watching the results through a fun house mirror.

The biggest fear JS had was somebody tapping him on the shoulder and threatening to expose the whole escapade to the public. But JS was a good Southern politician. If JS ended up being bought by the threat of being exposed, he would stay bought. Not like those Damn Yankee politicians who changed sides at the drop of a dollar.

So, JS decided to give that time up as a lost weekend, at least until the day somebody found it. He never did find out who those people were and how everyone ended up where they were. This was the start of a big cut down in alcohol consumption for a Southern Senator. As JS told Big Earl when he returned the Caddy, “When you can’t remember what you did or who you did it with, it is time to reassess your drinking.”

Big Earl told him it might just be that time since JS had left in Big Earl’s ride to pick up a couple of cases of tequila for the party. Nobody had known where JS had gone until Poppa Park called and told Big Earl that JS was on the way home. Big Earl got the whole story out of the Junior Senator. Earl never told anyone. If you have a Senator in your pocket, even a Junior Senator, you don’t take him out unless you have to.