On being unmasked

There were things that Big Earl had said and done in his time that, in retrospect, he should have thought through first. Things like telling a kid holding a switchblade in a bar, “You aren’t that dumb.” Or saying, “We don’t need to test the brakes, I know exactly what I am doing.” Perhaps his all time favorite, “I will go skydiving with you when you have a parachute that is guaranteed to hold my weight.” In each case, what he said ended up having totally different results than he expected.

Big Earl had agreed to meet his third wife, the future ex-Mrs. Earl, in Las Vegas for a three day weekend of gambling and general frivolity. Earl had been working in Los Angeles for a couple of years and the problems between the two of them had faded some with the time apart. As a result he wasn’t quite as sharp as normal when around her. He even thought they might be able to live together after the LA job ended. In other words, he went to Vegas in a state of mind that had no basis in reality. It wasn’t like he had not been warned. A buddy of his that knew the future ex-darlin’ told him, “If you are going into a cage with a hungry lion, do not wear a suit made of steaks.” Sometimes even Big Earl just can’t take a hint.

Off he drove to Sin City. He got there a few hours before his wife’s flight from Texas. The two had a great room at “Caesars” and Big Earl had made arrangements for dinner reservations and a couple of shows. When her flight got in Earl picked her up and the game was afoot. She was actually happy to be there. She was laughing and suitably impressed by the room and all the preparations he had made. She actually reminded him of the girl he had dated all those years before. Of course he had forgotten that what she really loved was gambling. She never met a casino that she didn’t like. That was why she was so happy. Earl had brought a couple of grand to play with. She wanted half and things going so well he gave it up. It never occurred to him that she might have had her own money. Not that Earl would ever see a dime of that.

Off the happy couple went on a quick trip down the Strip to see what was new and to decide where to start throwing money at the Gambling Gods. They hit several casinos and were doing pretty well. Earl was several hundred up and ready for the nights entertainment. The entertainment had just turned the corner into new territory for Las Vegas.

Vegas had begun their latest expansion at that time and Treasure Island had a new show from “Cirque du Soliel” that Big Earl just had to see. “Mystere” was expensive, but Earl knew from seeing some of the touring shows it would be good. It wasn’t good. Good doesn’t come near it. Great doesn’t describe it. Fantastic might just be skirting the bottom edge of that show. He was blown away. His sweetie was completely blown away. So much so that she went completely out of character and took him back to their room and jumped his bones. Earl hadn’t had sex like that with any of his wives in years. She lost it so completely that just at the climax of the evening, so to speak, she called him by another guy’s name. Things being in the short rows, it seemed to be the wrong time to question her. And the next thing Earl knew he woke up in the middle of the night and she was gone.

Turned out she wasn’t ready to stop gambling so she had gone out while Earl was asleep. What woke him was her unlocking the door and coming back into the room. She didn’t realize he was awake. He watched her put a roll of money in her makeup bag. Then she got undressed and slid into bed. Earl acted like she had just waked him up getting under the covers. He asked her where she had gone and she told me she said she went gambling down in “Caesar’s” casino. She claimed she had lost everything he had given her and could she have the money Earl had won over his grand. All the while reaching down and waking up the only part of him that was still asleep. A little later in the midst of a good blow job he promised her the winnings.

Now he knew that he sounded like a real sucker. She called him by someone else’s name during sex. She hid winnings from him and then asked for more money. Money that Earl had won. You would be right thinking that he was being stupid. Earl was a sucker. In retrospect, he should have dropped her on the spot, filed for a Vegas divorce and gone on with his life. It didn’t happen. He was incredibly stupid.

She, on the other hand, thought the trip was going great. She had him fooled about her boyfriend, she was getting money and Earl was paying all the bills. Life, for her, could hardly get better. Different perspectives produce two entirely different viewpoints.

Big Earl gave her the winnings, not because she needed them or earned them, but because he had promised. Big Earl never broke promises. Not then, not now, not ever. She got the winnings and off they went on another day of spending his money like drunken sailors. They ended up back at the hotel an hour or so before they were supposed to be at the “Follies” show. One of the best all time topless revues in a town that used to run on topless showgirls. Earl was thinking he only had to finish that night, dump the lying bitch off at the airport and be on his merry way the next morning. He had won enough to make a hooker stop in Pahrump, Nevada, on the way back to LA. Things were going pretty good, considering.

Earl had showered, dressed and was ready to go. She just had to get her purse, check the mirror and they were out for the evening. Visions of dancing mammaries were front and center in Big Earl’s mind. He had put his hand on the door handle and let his guard down for a second. He wasn’t thinking. She had been talking all through the time they were getting ready. About how great this trip was. About how they seemed to be getting along like when they were first married. Just yammering like words were about to be limited. Earl was only half listening. That was when she said the magic words, “Why don’t we come back next year on our twentieth anniversary and renew our vows?”

Big Earl’s brain caught the words. Unfortunately it was not quick enough. The dancing mammaries were running interference for rational thought. When a man’s brain is in neutral, like with the dancing mammaries, he may accidentally speak the truth. Any man’s mouth, if not filtered through a defense mechanism like the brain, could unfortunately actually answer the question a woman asked. No matter what the ensuing results may be. So while Big Earl’s brain was trying to pick the correct answer out of all the old standards that every married man keeps for emergencies, (I am amazed that we think so much alike), (Great, just remind me in time to make the reservations), (Baby, you are the best), his mouth spoke the truth,
“Not if you put a fucking gun to my head!!!”

There is nothing anyone can do for a man after that. The words are out there. You are unmasked. Your true feelings have leaped over any sense of self preservation and escaped. Abandon all hope ye who enter here.

The relationship lasted several more long, miserable years before just winding down to nothing. The marriage was over then and there.